You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
