dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
