sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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