I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
