Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
