I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
