and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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