I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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