if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
