I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
As shirtless as possible
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
