Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Randomize
