Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
