I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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