No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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