Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
