you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
