I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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