dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
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I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
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At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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