Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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