i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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