booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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