I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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