I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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