we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
