and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
