ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize