I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
