would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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