And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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