if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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