I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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