My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
