Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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