I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
