I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
