I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
