it hurts more in the daytime
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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