dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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