Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
