I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
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My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
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MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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