A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
