I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
