you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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