Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
