If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
