tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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