Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
