I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
