I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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