You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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