Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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