I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
did i walk over a car last night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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