Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
