I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
