12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
