I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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