Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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