So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
