My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
