If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
