i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
